Ice Fishing
Q: How do tribal people know when it's safe to go ice fishing?
A: When all the white guys quit falling through.
Tribal Fortune Cookies
Q: Do you know what a tribal fortune cookie is?
A: A piece of fry bread with a food stamp stuck in it.
Man-Eating Fry Bread
Q: How are tribal men and fry bread alike?
A: They're both round, brown and greasy.
Blackfeet Chef
Oki, I need cooking advice, like bad. I'm making Wild Rice with Lake Trout and Toasted Pine Nuts. Now how do I get those pesky pine nuts outa my toaster?
Training
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up" He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter every where, then just walks out. The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee." The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?" The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for upper management position in United States Government: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess forothers to clean up, disappear for rest of day.
Ordering NDN Tacos in 2020
Operator: Thank you for calling Fry Bread Hut. May I have your Tribal enrollment number and national ID number?
Customer: Hi, I'd like to place an order.
Operator: I must have your CIB and NIDN numbers first, sir.
Customer: My CIB number, yeah, hold on....it's 3487 and my National ID Number, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610.
Operator: Thank you, Mr. Smith. I see you live at Coppermine Road Drive, with a home phone number of 494-2366 and a cell number of 266-2566. Currently you are employed by Farmer's Insurance and can be reached via your work number at 745-2302. Your email address is sheepherder@home.net . Which number are you calling from sir?
Customer: Huh? I'm at home. Where'd you get all this information?
Operator: We're wired into the SSA, sir.
Customer: The SSA, what is that?
Operator: We're wired into the Social Security Administration, sir. This will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time.
Customer: (sighs) Oh well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special Navajo Tacos.
Operator: I don't think that's a good idea, sir.
Customer: Whaddya mean?
Operator: Sir, your medical records at IHS and commode sensors indicate that you've been diagnosed with high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice.
Customer: What?!?! What do you recommend, then?
Operator: You might try our low-fat Soybean Navajo Taco. I'm sure you'll like it.
Customer: What makes you think I'd like something like that?
Operator: Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion.
Customer: All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then....
Operator: That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids. Your total is $49.99.
Customer: Hang on, let me give you my credit card number.
Operator: I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit.
Customer: I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here.
Operator: That won't work either, sir. Your checking account is overdrawn also.
Customer: Never mind! Just send the Navajo Tacos. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?
Operator: We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick them up while you're out getting the cash, but then again, carrying tacos on a motorcycle can be a little awkward.
Customer: Wait! How do you know I ride a motorcycle?
Operator: It says here you fell behind on your car payments, so your car was repossessed. But your Harley's paid for and you just filled the tank yesterday.
Customer: Well, I'll be #%#&$%!!!
Operator: I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already been issued a citation for cursing a Navajo PD officer. The citation is dated July 4, 2019. You were issued another citation for cursing a tribal judge during your hearing and subsequently sentenced. Your records indicate that you've just been released from a 90 day sentence in the State Correctional Facility. Is this your first Navajo taco since your return to society?
Customer: (speechless)
Operator: Will there be anything else, sir?
Customer: Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke.
Operator: I'm sorry sir, but if you read the fine print, you will find that our company is prohibited from redeeming free soda coupons for borderline diabetics. Thank you for calling Fry Bread Hut.
From: andre cramblit
An Introduction to Mingo Cuisine
Khsya'tu ne uthehtzt'.
Take a dead groundhog and dip it in boiling water.
Tkhsekjsi' ne u'syuhsa'ke.
Scrape off the hair.
Khsya'takit' huikj kanestff'ke ne'hu wai khsya'tzwik uka'stff'.
Lay the whole groundhog on a board and cover with mud.
Ne' nt niyvnishe'v khsate'skttk'.
Bake for four hours.
Ta unk khsashu ne uka'stff' ne uthehtzt' khu. Ne kanestff' khsik znk.
Scrape off mud and groundhog and eat board.
http://mingolanguage.org/texts/tom/GroundhogRecipe.html
Indian Food Speak
Commodify (kah MOD if eye) uncanny ability of Indian women to convert the ingredients of any standard cookbook recipe to commodity ingredients such as powered milk, powered eggs and canned meat.
Vis a cheese(VEES ah cheez) mode of exchange in which a block of commidity cheese can purchase other goods or services.
Rezercize (REZ er size) the involuntary health regime of walking everywhere on the rez since your Indian car broke down for good.
Frybreadth (FRY bredth) a unit of measurement based on the standard size of a piece of auntie's frybread.
THINGS YOU WILL NEVER HEAR AN INDIAN SAY
"You can't feed that to the dog!"
"No thanks we're vegetarians."
"No thanks I don't want any fry bread."
"Trim the fat off that steak."
YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO LOSE WEIGHT WHEN
* You can't see your moccasin strings anymore
* You "duck" during the duck and dive and you can't get back up
* You find yourself bringing zip lock bags and a sack to the powwow feast
* You get in line twice at the powwow feast and lie by saying, "this plate is for my grandma who's sitting in the car," and you don't realize she just went through the line 10 people ahead of you.
* You can't fit your choker, because you no longer have a neck
* Your family has to stop half way to the powwow to replace the springs on your car
* The car naturally tilts downward on the side you always ride on
* The youngest kid with the shortest legs has to sit behind your seat, because you have to have the seat pulled all the way back to fit your beefy legs into the car
* You eat Indian Tacos like potato chips
* You don't even feel your mosquito bites
* You have to "rock" a few times to get up out of your chair
* People mistake you for a teepee when you wear a white tshirt
* You have to "lift" your stomach to show off your new beaded belt buckle
* You order a coke and the waitress asks, "Diet?"
* You almost pass out in the sweathouse using only one rock
* You get scared your belly button might come untied
* In a powwow crowd of 1,000 people, everyone stops you to ask your advice about the best food stands AND where's the best fry bread stand
* Other dancers use you for shade in grand entry line
* You lose a $1,000 dance contest because your excess didn't stop in time with the drum
* Your buckskin dress looks like you're still sitting down even if you're up walking around
* You have to have your parade horse backed up next the car so you can climb up on the hood of the car and get on
* Your parade horse is a "Clydesdale"
THE BOTTLE OF WINE
For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo womanwalking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally .
'What in bag?' asked the old woman .
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
'Good trade!!'
.